Do You Have A Choice? (the answer might surprise you)
There’s not much that can fire me up like someone righteously stating how another person should simply pick themselves up by their bootstraps and make new choices to change their life.
As if making a change is that simple.
It’s not.
I can feel my body heat up and my jaws tighten.
I want to scream …
People don’t CHOOSE to suffer!
People aren’t living in dysfunctional situations or repeating unhealthy patterns because they want to.
People suffer because they don’t realize that they even have a choice. And until you know that there is a choice to be made, there isn’t one. Period.
We like to think of ourselves as self-aware. We believe we are free to act, think and behave in any way that we want. But it’s just not true. SO much of our behavior is completely unconscious to us. We are on autopilot and we don’t even know it. We all have areas in our life where there is NO CHOICE, whether we admit it or not.
In the book Immunity to Change, Kegan and Lahey write...
“A recent study showed that when doctors tell heart patients they will die if they don't change their habits, only one in seven will be able to follow through successfully. Desire and motivation aren't enough: even when it's literally a matter of life or death, the ability to change remains maddeningly elusive.”
A doctor tells you that your life is at risk and you still cannot make a change to your behavior. You think that is someone with the freedom to choose? Nope! That is someone being run by unconscious patterns and beliefs that could very well cost them their life.
Choice requires consciousness
Imagine that this iceberg represents our conscious and unconscious behavior. The top of the iceberg is what we have within our conscious awareness. The things we know we do, think and feel. The bottom of the iceberg represents what is in the subconscious or unconscious territory of our experience. These are the fears, beliefs, motives that are fueling our thoughts, actions and feelings and we have no idea it’s happening.
If we truly want to have a choice about how we live and love and move through the world, we must find a way to bring what is currently under the water (unconscious) to the surface and into our conscious awareness. Only then can we choose.
Do you want freedom to choose?
Here are a few places to start ...
✨Acknowledge that there are things you don’t know and you don’t know that you don’t know them. Recognize that you have unconscious beliefs and ideas that are currently running your life and potentially keeping you from achieving the results you want. You have blind spots, own it. (hint: you'll know you're doing this work when you begin to feel more compassion for humanity).
✨Be willing to explore and discover what is in the unknown territory of your unconscious mind. Then, do the work. You will not experience freedom to choose until you shine light on your blind spots. We refer to this as shadow work and it’s the kind of inner work that takes enormous amounts of trust and courage but yields priceless results.
✨Develop the ability to self-observe. This is key (and foundational) to any and all personal growth work. You cannot change what you cannot see. Learning to self-observe is a muscle that is built over time with practice and repetition.
A simple practice to support you:
Do this Check-In several times a day for one week. You might find it helpful to set an alarm on your phone to remind you.
Pause and take one mindful breath.
Notice and observe (without judgement):
Thoughts going through your mind right now
Physical sensations in your body
Feelings or emotions that you’re experiencing
Bonus opportunity: Make a few notes in your phone or journal each time you check-in. At the end of the week, reflect back on all your experiences and see if you notice any patterns or gain any insights.
As your ability to self-observe grows stronger you’ll be able to explore deeper aspects of your personality and what drives you. You’ll chip away at the iceberg and begin to experience greater degrees of power and freedom in your life.
And who doesn’t want that? 🤷🏻♀️
Here’s to freedom!
P.S. When you're ready, there are a few ways I can support you ...
1. Work privately with me to uncover your blind spots.
If you're tired of being stuck in the same repetitive patterns and are ready to create sustainable change, click here to schedule a call with me. There are a handful of ways I can support you and together we'll explore the best fit for you.
2. Join my online group program.
Wholehearted is 7-weeks of support and an ideal place to strengthen your self-observation muscles. Be supported by the community as you learn ways to turn down the noise in your head and listen to the wisdom of your heart.