Sexual Nine —"Fusion"

Sexual Nines unconsciously express a need to be through another- to gain a sense of "being" they don't find inside themselves through fusion with somebody else. They unconsciously use relationships to feed their sense of being because it can feel too challenging or threatening to be on their own; they substitute another person's agenda for their own because it feels more comfortable to stand or be through another. These Nines may not even realize they have made this substitution, however; it often happens at a subconscious level.

Sexual Nines are not connected to their own passion for living (in the good sense of the term "passion"), and so they try to locate it by blending with another person. When they are in close relationships, they may have the sense that there are no boundaries between their experience and that of important others. The merging with the other takes the form of an energetic taking on of feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and even behavior. These Nines feel a sense of loneliness or abandonment that seems like it can only be filled by another person, whether or not they realize it consciously.

The problem inherent in this stance, of course, is that true union- a real relationship between two people - requires that both people stand on their own feet before coming to meet each other. But Sexual Nines may experience difficulty in standing on their own two feet, being grounded in themselves, and living out their own sense of purpose, so they look for it in another person.

Individuals with this subtype can merge with a partner, a parent, a close friend, or any important person as a way of finding a life purpose and avoiding their own experience of the lack of such purpose. They have a sense of uncertainty about their own identity and a lack of structure in their lives, and they look to other people to satisfy their sense of who they are and what they want without realizing this is happening.

Sexual Nines tend to be very kind, gentle, tender and sweet. They are the least assertive of the Nines. However, the tenderness they express, like other gestures of caring that come from the personality rather than the real self, can be, to one extent or another, false. More than the other two Nine subtypes, these Nines can have a difficult time locating their own motivation to act in support of their own initiatives. They can even know they want to do something and not be able to do it for a long time, especially if it involves any kind of conflict with others.

Sexual Nines defend against the pain of early separation (and separations in general) by unconsciously denying the existence of boundaries. This is an attempt to avoid being aware of their own deeper sense of isolation, aloneness, and individuality. This Nine may have the sense that "I am when with the other." In maintaining the important connection in tehir lives, they may be so focused on meeting the needs of others that they betray their own needs. When this occurs, they may engage in passive-aggressive forms of rebellion, such as avoiding someone or ignoring something important in a way that affects the relationship.

Sexual Nines can resemble Type Fours, as they may feel a sense of melancholy and experience and express similar themes and feelings related to relationships. Having their center of gravity in others means they have a special sensitivity to the wishes and moods of the important people in their lives and an acute awareness of the push-pull connection and disconnection dynamics in relationships. However, while Fours are self-referencing, Sexual Nines are primarily other-referencing, and they may take on the feelings of another as opposed to having more immediate awareness of their own emotional ups and downs, as Fours do.

Sexual Nines may also share central concerns with Type Twos in that they can lack a solid sense of self and then look to their important relationships as a way to find self-definition or a sense of identity. Twos differ from these Nines, however, in that they focus more attention on constructing an image. Twos also usually enjoy being the center of attention, while this is much less comfortable for Sexual Nines.

Cynthia, a Sexual Nine, speaks:

My experience of the Passion of Sloth has felt less like laziness and more like an incapacity: a sense of being unable to go inside and connect with a deeper aspect of myself. In fact, I always had a fear of connecting with my deeper sense of self, or, more accurately, a fear of discovering that there was actually nothing there. My sense of security comes from a feeling of being connected to a special other - first and longest, to my mother, who had no problem telling me who I was or who I should be, what I should think or feel, and who didn't leave much space for me to come to that on my own. It wasn't that she was domineering - it was more that I was so exquisitely attuned to her that the merest flicker of disapproval might threaten the connection I felt to her.

If I ever lost my connection to my mother I felt anxiety related to a sense of not knowing what I wanted or needed. In retrospect, I can recognize that my anxiety reflected a fear that she would abandon me if I wanted or did something she disapproved of. Connection to her, and the protection that merger with her offered, ensured that I wouldn't experience the terrible feeling of being out of harmony. The feelings I had if I was ever not connected to her - anger, rage, or the pain of rejection caused by disobedience - were so awful that I don't remember even allowing myself to be aware of them past the age of three or four.

As I grew older, I learned that I could substitute the connection to my mother with the connection to a best friend or partner. If I were in the company of someone who was willing to make decisions, take the lead, or tell me what to do or how to be, I could relax and go along. I was always anxious about disrupting that connection, and I was typically agreeable and easygoing in order to ensure it, to such an extent that I often couldn't locate my own opinion at all if it differed from that of my special other. I've always said that if you needed someone to run your errands with you, I'm your girl. In adolescence, I developed a strong feeling of self-rejection: I didn't feel that I really had a personality and envied those who did. Of course, once I was certain of the merger with my special other, I could also find my sense of rebellion: being told who or how to be would sometimes rub me wrong and I could react in a passive-aggressive way that was out of character with my usually sweet nature. In its worst form this looked like cheating on romantic partners or acting out in ways that were so split off I didn't even recognize myself.

Fortunately, my life circumstances have been such that I was unable to completely lose myself in a merger with a partner. In reaction to a disastrously controlling early relationship, I unconsciously chose men who were so emotionally distant that they didn't take over my soul, even though I thought I wanted them to. This has forced me to develop a strong sense of self and a clear sense of purpose, whereas I think if I'd had a partner I would have remained lost and aimless, still wanting to be directed.

Over the years, I have learned how to be with myself in deeper and deeper ways, and in midlife I actually enjoy being on my own, treasure my meditation practice, and have a wonderful community. I occasionally still long for another to tell me what to do, but typically only regarding small decisions. My sense of who I am, both positive and negative, is clearer than it's ever been, and I trust that my personality indeed exists and is even visible to others. My early experiences have resulted in a finely honed intuition and the ability to empathize with and attune to others quite deeply; to see from multiple perspectives at once, but also to locate my own feelings and opinion. I am aware, howver, that even though I have made great strides in independence and my capacity to be alone, there are many things I haven't attempted in life (ie travel abroad or buying a home) without a special other by my side to lend me courage.

The Path from Vice to Virtue:

Sexual Nines can travel the path from laziness to right action by recognizing and acting on their deeper need for separation: making time to be alone more and not always finding a sense of "being" through others. Recognize the ways you may have inadvertently erased yourself to maintain specific relationships and take action to create healthy boundaries with those you are closest to. Notice when you are not "in" yourself. Act to find your own sense of purpose and your own experience of being, and notice how blending with others actually prevents authentic relationships. Fusion mimics real connection, but is in the end only a substitute or a mirage, because it means that you have given yourself up and over adapted to other people. Engage in right action by doing the work it takes to get in touch with your own needs, desires, experiences and emotions- and, most of all, your own sense of purpose. Make a point of noting ways in which you might differ from important others, and take the risk to voice these differences as a way of affirming who you are as a separate individual. Build relationships from the starting point of your own preferences and aspirations as a way to establish more regular contact with your "true self" and you will create more satisfying relationships in which you can fully be who you are and still feel loved and accepted.

Sourced with permission from The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut.

Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4 Type 5 Type 6 Type 7 Type 8 Type 9