Sexual Three — "Charisma"

The victory or goal that the Sexual Three subtype is interested in (that expresses this Three’s vanity) is one of sex appeal and beauty rather than money or prestige-but they are just as competitive in pursuing these goals as a business executive is in work matters. In this Three, vanity is not denied (as with the Self-Preservation Three) or embraced (like the Social Three); rather, it's somewhere in between, being employed in the service of creating an attractive image and promoting important others.

The Sexual Three is sweet and shy and not as extroverted as the Social Three-especially when it comes to speaking about himself. It's hard for these Threes to promote themselves, so they often put the focus on others they want to support.

Although they are just as capable as the other Threes of achieving worldly success through competence and hard work, these Threes don't feel the need to achieve goals in the external world because their focus is much more on pleasing and making themselves attractive as a way of earning love. They see their accomplishments in the successes and happiness of the people around them.

Although Ichazo called this type "Masculinity/Femininity," Naranjo explains that this is not Hollywood-style masculinity or femininity, or even necessarily a very sexualized masculinity or femininity This type is more concerned with having an attractive presentation as a man or a woman-and, subtly at times, with pleasing others by being attractive in a classically masculine or feminine way. And while Threes are heart types, in this subtype the pleasing may occur less through emotional connection or sexual seductiveness and more through a mental connection or enthusiastic support. Naranjo changed the name to "Charisma" to reflect the special way Sexual Threes motivate and excite the admiration of others through a quality of "personal magnetism."

Sexual Threes achieve within relationships. These Threes are pleasers and helpers; they tend to work hard in support of someone else, expending a lot of energy in promoting others. Sexual Threes can be very ambitious and hardworking, but it’s always to make someone else look good. Often this Three doesn't seem like a Three because they are not so focused on their own status and achievement, but for them it's more about being attractive and supporting others-it's enough for them to be beautiful; they don't have to achieve to get love. It's the pleasing that brings approval or love, so they don't have to be conventional achievers.

Sexual Threes put a lot of energy into seducing and pleasing others. They may have a fear of disappointing others, and so they justify themselves with excuses to avoid confrontation. People with this subtype may have fantasies about the "ideal partner," and they may want to change their partner to be like they would like him or her to be. They may have fantasies of waiting for "Prince Charming" (or "Princess Charming") and living "happily ever after."

These Threes tend to be oriented toward pleasing others in the sense of having a family or team mentality. They may focus narrowly on what is good for the family (at home or at work) and project the image of someone who is good in this way.

Because so much depends on their being attractive to others, Sexual Threes think they need to be good and perfect to be loved. They tend to be very helpful to prove their lovability-they aspire to have the image of the "best lover" or the "perfect wife."

Attaining love or desire from others becomes a goal, an achievement, a conquest for Sexual Threes. To support this, they have a passion for projecting a handsome, pretty, or sexy image. They feel an urgent need to be looked at and recognized as attractive by people they want to attract (romantically)-perhaps reflecting a lack of attention and admiration from their mother or father.

In this Three, there is a sense of disconnection from feelings and from the real self. They often have no real contact with themselves or others. This disconnection is emotional, sexual, and physical. One Three with this subtype commented, "it's like we put out an 'Out to Lunch' sign." This is the main issue for Sexual Threes. They typically experience a feeling of emptiness, like a void. This Three experiences an empty feeling in terms of having a lack of a clear sense of self or identity. This is related to the fact that the Sexual Three experiences difficulty in being, feeling, and expressing authentically. While they may be very attractive, they may also have low self-esteem and be unable to love themselves. In the face of this, they may "put on a good face" and look sweet and complacent while hiding their strengths as a way to look good for others.

The Sexual Three is the most emotional of the Threes, so you are more likely to see them expressing their feelings. This Three doesn't wear the kind of social mask that a Social Three wears. There is a deep sadness within the Sexual Three. They often had a difficult early life, and they use "disconnections" from themselves as a way to forget, or to make up for and minimize, past abuses. There is a lot of fear of feeling emotional pain and sorrow, and so they learn to disconnect from their deeper emotional experience. They also experience criticism as very threatening, as it destroys their mask of being a "perfectly good person."

Sexual Threes can look like Twos or Sevens. They can look like Twos because they seek to connect with others through being pleasing and attractive. They differ from Twos, however, in that they focus more on a specific image of physical attractiveness and less on shape-shifting, prideful self-elevation, and meeting emotional needs. They may be mistaken for Sevens in that they tend to be positive and enthusiastic in their support of others. They can be excellent cheerleaders. However, while Sevens are fundamentally self-referencing, Threes reference others as a way of determining how to be. Threes are more disconnected from themselves, while Sevens typically know what they need and want.

Tadeo, a Sexual Three, speaks:

Ever since I can remember, I have always done things with the intention of attracting the attention of others. Though I was somewhat shy, it was easy for me to dazzle people. I learned to draw others in without talking. We don't have cheerleaders in Argentina, but if we did, I'd have been one for sure. I strived to be charismatic, loving, pleasing, enthusiastic, and above all, an exciting and desirable person everyone wanted to be around.

I have to admit that all my life I've only looked at myself through the mirror of others. And one thing was pretty clear to me: nobody liked the ugly. As a child, people used to say I was perfect, cute, and pretty. I was like a doll that my parents showed the world-but as time went by, they were so overwhelmed with their problems (and three more children) that they stopped looking at me; especially my mom. From then on, I developed an extreme intolerance for going unnoticed. I had a neurotic need to please and be liked, and a neurotic vulnerability to flatter that made me "sell myself" to anyone who said nice things to me. Many times I engaged in abusive relationships without noticing I was being abused.

Thus arose my mania to present only what was beautiful about me and hide anything other might consider ugly. This led to self-alienation and to living in a fantasy in which I was the star of a Hollywood film. At the same time, my constant focus on the outside created a sense of hollowness inside, a void within myself that was impossible to bear. Looking only at myself from the outside in, I became totally disconnected from myself to the point of not knowing what I felt at all. On the outside I could be charming, sweet, and seductive, bout on the inside (and in intimate relationships) I was cold, uncaring, hard, and totally lacking in empathy.

Finding the "ideal" partner became an obsession. I cared about success, image, work, and all those other things we Threes typically care about, but they didn't mean anything to me if I didn't have someone to share them with. I deceived myself into thinking that love was the answer to everything.

When I began my spiritual journey, the two biggest issues I faced were the meaninglessness of my life and my inability to feel the effects of the abuse that I had suffered years earlier due to my physical, emotional, and sexual disconnection from myself. It was painful to realize that I was like a cheap Easter egg: decorated with frosting on the outside and completely hollow on the inside.

Specific Work For The Sexual Three on the Path from Vice to Virtue

Sexual Threes can travel the path from vanity to hope by learning to live for themselves and not for a real or imagined partner. This Three moves toward hope by getting to know and experience more of their real self. People with this subtype are a paradox: beautiful, enthusiastic friends and supporters who don't love and support themselves the way they do others. This Three can move toward hope by learning to put the same faith and love toward their own self that they offer so generously to others. Launching an intensive search for the "real self"-finding a sense of identity and trusting that it will lead you in the right direction-is what hope is about for this Three. If you are a Sexual Three, consciously share your feelings with the people you support so well and know that hope will guide you toward establishing the deep connections you long for.

Sourced with permission from The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut.

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