Treat Yourself Like You Would A Friend

Let’s talk about self-compassion.

One of my favorite meditation teachers, Jack Kornfield, says: “If your compassion does not include yourself, it’s incomplete.” 

So, self-compassion is compassion that includes ourselves. It’s taking the same sense of care and kindness that we would show someone we really love and directing that toward ourselves. 

Self-compassion also requires the recognition of suffering. When we express compassion for someone we love, there is a recognition that that person is hurting, in pain, or suffering (to whatever degree). Self-compassion requires that same recognition for ourselves—that we might notice and tell the truth about something that’s hard for us, a place where we’re in pain or suffering. Then, we look to extend kindness toward ourselves.

Self-compassion can be foreign and challenging for many of us because we’re not really taught to be kind to ourselves.

By default, if we’re not mindfully working to quiet it, the voice of our inner critic often says rather ugly, negative and critical things about us. We seem to hold the unconscious belief that we can bully ourselves into change, which only perpetuates the pattern. We say hurtful things to ourselves, unconsciously thinking that it’s actually going to make a difference and cause us to be better or do things differently.

In my experience, it doesn’t really work like that. Harmful self-talk only perpetuates a sense of guilt and shame and keeps us trapped in a spiral of patterns that plays out time and time again.

I truly believe that it’s much more effective to love ourselves into change.

When we make the effort to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves, we’re making an honest effort toward evolution, self-realization and greater awareness that will impact every area of our life.

In this series, we’re going to look at the three elements of self-compassion, talk about what self-compassion is not, and discuss some ways you can practice it in your own life. 

To begin, I invite you to just be aware of that little voice in your head and notice how often or to what degree you’re compassionate toward yourself and/or critical and judgmental toward yourself. Take note of what the current state is. Then, we’ll come back to the conversation and start putting some practices in place.