The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

We’re going to wrap up this conversation about self-compassion with two distinctions that Kristin Neff refers to as the yin and yang of self-compassion.

Many times we may think of self-compassion as indulgence or pity. But it’s neither feeling sorry for ourselves nor giving in to our every want.

She speaks about the polarity of yin and yang. Yin is receptive and self-nurturing; it’s the kind of self-compassion that says Come here, let me hold you, I know this is really hard, it’s going to be okay. Go lie down and rest. And sometimes that’s exactly what we need.

Yang compassion is more masculine and assertive. It’s the kind of self-compassion that says Honey, you’ve been on that couch long enough. Get up and get into action!

We don’t want to use self-compassion as an excuse to let ourselves off the hook, self-indulge or feel sorry for ourselves. That would be missing the point. 

Instead, we need to be able to discern with mindfulness—what do I need at this moment? Do I need to rest or take a walk? Do I need to let this simmer and finish it later or do I need to push through and get it done?

Self-compassion always has kindness, shared humanity and mindfulness in the equation. It’s for us to be able to discern. 

I invite you to look at this concept of yin and yang as you begin to bring more self-compassion into your life. Check-in and be willing to tell the truth. Is kindness right now yin, soft and gentle? Or is kindness right now more yang, fiery and assertive?

I’d love to hear from you! What did you take away from this? Do you need a little more yin or a little more yang? How will you use what you’re learning to move forward in a powerful way?

Thanks for watching and see you next time!

Try These 2 Simple Self-Compassion Practices Today

I want to share two practices with you that you can begin to implement immediately to show yourself more compassion. As we discussed in the last video, the three elements of self-compassion are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

If you become aware that you’re suffering, rather than being critical or judgmental or thinking you shouldn’t be having this experience, instead you can send yourself some compassion.

Here are two specific ways that you can do that.

The first is affectionate touch. This may seem a bit silly at first, but it really is effective. This is the practice of offering ourselves a nurturing and comforting sense of touch. Play around with it and see what feels loving to you. It could be holding your face in a comforting way, wrapping your arms around yourself in an embrace, holding your own hand, massaging your neck or placing your hands on your heart and/or belly. 

The invitation is to play around with affectionate touch and see if there’s a particular gesture that you could make for yourself, toward yourself in those moments when life is hard.

The second is offering yourself the words that you most need to hear.  Sometimes we find ourselves wishing someone would say kind things to us. Words of motivation like I know this is tough, I’m proud of you or I love you. Well, we can also say them to ourselves.

I invite you to close your eyes for a moment, and ask your heart and soul, What is it that I most need to hear right now? Allow whatever words that come to you, to be the right words. Trust your inner voice. Say these words to yourself out loud and receive them. It’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to work out. You’re fine. I love you.

Trust whatever shows up.

Try these two practical ways that you can begin to practice self-compassion: affectionate touch and offering yourself the words you need to hear. Do both with the three elements present. There’s kindness, not judgment; there’s common humanity, appreciating your humanness; and there’s a level of mindfulness that is aware of the experience but not identified with the experience.

I’d love to hear from you! What works, what doesn’t work, what did you notice? Anything that you want to share about your experience of practicing self-compassion, feel free to send it my way.

What Are the 3 Essential Elements of Self-Compassion?

Let’s talk about the three elements of self-compassion. (This comes directly from the work of Kristin Neff, a lead researcher in the science behind self-compassion.)

1. Self-kindness

   Compassion is being kind to someone in the midst of their suffering or pain. Practice self-kindness versus the judgment that would so often be there. Offer yourself kindness in the same way that you would to someone you love.

2. Common humanity

   Self-compassion includes a sense of common humanity versus a sense of isolation or the idea that we’re on our own and our pain is somehow unique to us. Instead, we realize that being human is really hard sometimes. Stressful situations and conversations can be so challenging. Common humanity is the acknowledgment that I’m human, you’re human, and sometimes being human is difficult.

3. Mindfulness

   Mindfulness is the practice of observing our experience with a little bit of distance from it, as opposed to over-identifying with our suffering. If we’re in a challenging situation, instead of letting it become a new story that defines us, we can observe ourselves in the situation and see the thoughts occurring, the emotions that are present, and any physical manifestations that are happening. We do so with some distance: “I am having this experience, but I’m not defined by this experience.”

To recap, the three elements of self-compassion are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. All three of these elements are present whenever we’re practicing self-compassion.

With this in mind, start to notice when there’s judgment about your pain, suffering or experience. See if you can take a step back from it and offer yourself a bit of kindness. 

Begin to consider what it would be like if you were able to employ self-compassion in those moments.

Going forward, in the next video, we’ll talk about some practical ways we can do just that!

Treat Yourself Like You Would A Friend

Let’s talk about self-compassion.

One of my favorite meditation teachers, Jack Kornfield, says: “If your compassion does not include yourself, it’s incomplete.” 

So, self-compassion is compassion that includes ourselves. It’s taking the same sense of care and kindness that we would show someone we really love and directing that toward ourselves. 

Self-compassion also requires the recognition of suffering. When we express compassion for someone we love, there is a recognition that that person is hurting, in pain, or suffering (to whatever degree). Self-compassion requires that same recognition for ourselves—that we might notice and tell the truth about something that’s hard for us, a place where we’re in pain or suffering. Then, we look to extend kindness toward ourselves.

Self-compassion can be foreign and challenging for many of us because we’re not really taught to be kind to ourselves.

By default, if we’re not mindfully working to quiet it, the voice of our inner critic often says rather ugly, negative and critical things about us. We seem to hold the unconscious belief that we can bully ourselves into change, which only perpetuates the pattern. We say hurtful things to ourselves, unconsciously thinking that it’s actually going to make a difference and cause us to be better or do things differently.

In my experience, it doesn’t really work like that. Harmful self-talk only perpetuates a sense of guilt and shame and keeps us trapped in a spiral of patterns that plays out time and time again.

I truly believe that it’s much more effective to love ourselves into change.

When we make the effort to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves, we’re making an honest effort toward evolution, self-realization and greater awareness that will impact every area of our life.

In this series, we’re going to look at the three elements of self-compassion, talk about what self-compassion is not, and discuss some ways you can practice it in your own life. 

To begin, I invite you to just be aware of that little voice in your head and notice how often or to what degree you’re compassionate toward yourself and/or critical and judgmental toward yourself. Take note of what the current state is. Then, we’ll come back to the conversation and start putting some practices in place.

5 Tips for Living in a Virtual World

We are living in unprecedented times. Things are shifting rapidly. We are being asked to adjust in major ways and we're being asked to do it NOW.

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I've felt it ALL - confusion, fear, anger, grief, hope, excitement, joy - and many things in between. Is it safe to assume you've been feeling it all too?

I've been watching as friends and family adjust, as colleagues pivot their businesses to stay relevant, as the city takes great measures for safety and as communities come together in creative ways to support one another.

There has been so much collective disappointment and uncertainty with things canceling and shutting down. But there has also been tremendous displays of compassion and generosity as people look out for one another in inspiring ways. It's another brilliant example of BOTH/AND, the paradox of this beautiful yet often brutal human experience we are sharing.

With so many people sheltering in place and taking their lives online to flatten the curve, the online space has gotten pretty crowded and noisy. Today, I'm offering a few tips for navigating this virtual world so that you can remain grounded, connected to your heart and at peace.

5 Tips for Living in a Virtual World

1. Keep it Clean - Think of your online space like your personal living room and keep it picked up (which may also be a challenge right now!). This could mean clearing off your desktop, backing up and deleting photos from your phone, tidying up your inbox or freeing up storage on your hard drive. The virtual equivalent of buying fresh flowers for your house is updating your desktop to something beautiful. I've included a download for you below!

2. Unsubscribe & Unfollow - Seriously, do it. If you are no longer interested in the content or it's simply adding to the noise give yourself permission to opt out. Be mindful of what you are consuming and how it impacts you then, choose wisely.

3. Create Boundaries - This is a great time to revisit your phone settings. Consider turning off your notifications or setting up custom Do Not Disturb hours. YOU get to say when your phone dings at you or not. 

4. Show Up Fully - When you show up in a zoom meeting or virtual yoga class, BE PRESENT. It takes more effort to stay present when you're not physically in the room with other people but the experience will be much more satisfying if you give it your full attention. And it honors the space and the people in it with you!

5. Turn it Off - Literally. Shut your computer, turn off your phone and go outside. We all know this is good advice but we don't always do it. Give yourself time to unplug and reconnect with what matters most to you.

Enneagram Part 4: How the Enneagram Has Helped Me Evolve

There are so many things I could share about how the Enneagram has impacted me personally. I’ll start with something basic about my type. I identify with the number 7 on the Enneagram model, which is often called “The Enthusiast.” 

One of the characteristics of this type is their constant movement toward what is fun or pleasurable. I definitely see this within myself. There was a time in my early twenties when I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). As I dealt with a challenge in focusing, I saw a doctor and even took medication briefly. I found it to be somewhat effective, but I did not like the side effects I felt at all, so I discontinued it. 

It’s always been a challenge for me to focus my attention. There are so many things that catch my eye, so many things I want to do, and so many things I get excited about. So I tend to be scattered. It’s one of the reasons meditation has been so impactful for me because it has to do with learning how to stay still.

When I started working with the Enneagram, one of the first things I discovered was that my excitement about this and that and my jumping around toward what was pleasurable was actually just a strategy for avoiding pain. Moving toward what was fun was my way of not having to feel sad, anxious or fearful. While this happens to most of us when we’re struggling, the strategy is particularly strong for type 7s. Learning to work with this has been my path. 

I know this doesn’t sound too sexy or interesting. Like, “Great! Let me find out my Enneagram type so that I can feel uncomfortable.” But, this is the work. For me, it’s been about learning to slow down, harness my focused attention and open myself up to sit with discomfort and pain.

While it may not sound exciting, a tremendous amount of satisfaction and peace comes from it.

As we dive into the Enneagram, we see that we develop coping strategies to help us avoid things. (For example, fear and pain.) As long as we’re in avoidance of those things, that coping strategy stays in place and runs the show.

As soon as I developed a greater ability to be uncomfortable, the strategies I’d always used to keep the discomfort away could be dropped. I don’t need to protect myself from that anymore, because I have the ability to be with it. I developed a greater depth of connection to myself and other people—and to the reality of what’s happening around me. This is far more satisfying than my old strategy of just staying busy and focusing on what’s positive. 

The truth is, life isn’t always happy. Certain experiences are painful. If I go through life with the strategy of distraction and only focus on what’s good, I miss a whole realm of connection with reality that is available to me.

This is just one of the many ways I’ve personally been impacted by my work with the Enneagram. It’s fundamental to the type 7, and it’s one of the ways I’ve been able to add greater depth, satisfaction and freedom to my own life.

If you’re interested in finding out your own type and discovering what habitual patterns might be holding you back, I invite you to reach out. I’d love to do a typing interview with you, to ask you some questions and help you explore:

• What’s the core motivation that’s moving you?

• What coping strategies are you employing?

If they’re not working for you anymore and keeping you in a limited place, how might you begin to do the work to free yourself?

How might you go beyond the confines of your personality into the fullness of who you’re meant to be?

Enneagram Part 3: Somewhere Inside the Rainbow

Imagine that the Enneagram represents the full color spectrum of our humanity—a rainbow of our human characteristics, traits and motivations—and each type is represented by a color.

Within each color, there are various shades. In the Enneagram world, we call these subtypes. For each of the nine main types, there are three distinct subtypes. Or, in our rainbow analogy, three distinct shades within each color.

This helps to account for the nuances of our humanity. It’s the reason why you can find people of the same type who present quite differently, both energetically and behaviorally. 

For example, there may be two 2s who don’t necessarily present in the same way. We could say that they’re different shades of blue. One shade of 2 can look a lot like a 9. One shade of 7 can look a lot like a 3. 

This is why it can be tricky to figure out your type. 

There are actually 27 different types (9 x 3). This may feel a little overwhelming if you’re just starting out with the Enneagram. It may sound like a lot of work to figure all of this out.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s great to be in the inquiry and asking the questions. At the same time, there is something profound about finally landing on your particular type and subtype. When you find yourself among the 27 possibilities, a whole new world of exploration can open up for you.

It’s an amazing aha! moment for many people.

Discovering my own type was definitely illuminating, but when I found my particular subtype, it explained so much more. Like why I was getting stuck in certain areas of my life and business and what was holding me back.

Knowing that there are these various colors and shades, when you land on your particular shade, it might just blow your mind. It can be super helpful to work with someone who understands the subtypes and help you discern which one you are.

Each particular subtype has a particular path of growth. The inner work of one type is distinct from that of another type. Once you land on your particular type and subtype, you can access a whole new range of motion and innovative ways of being and moving through the world. You’ll feel greater freedom and power when you go beyond what has previously limited you.

I’ll be back soon to share more about my own personal experience with the Enneagram and how you can find your unique path of growth, too.

Enneagram Part 2: You Don't Need Another Label

The Enneagram is a robust and complex system that accounts for the many nuances of our humanity.

The point is not to discover what number you are and then label yourself to explain why you do what you do. (For example: “Of course I do that, I’m a 9!”) If we do that, we’re missing the point.

Instead, if we can learn what box we are in, it will empower us to get out of that box! 

Beware of completing an online assessment and simply taking the results at face value, as many factors go into determining your particular core type.

We all have a single core type: a single thing that motivates and moves us through the world. It consists of a basic fear and a basic desire. Something we focus our attention that drives us—unique to each particular number in the Enneagram system. Other aspects influence your movement, too, including the instincts that drive you and how those combine with the passion of your number. All of these factors determine your type.

Sure, you can take an assessment, (some of the free online tests out there are quite good) but realize that it’s just a starting point. Better yet—do a typing interview with a trained professional who can guide you. But remember, no test or report can tell you who you are better than you! 

The purpose of the Enneagram is to expand your self-awareness and ability to self observe, especially those parts of yourself that have been in the shadow, your blind spots. It’s a place to begin. You might discover that you’re a particular type and it will open up a whole new world where you can dig around and learn new things about yourself that you haven’t seen before.

It’s more valuable to be in the inquiry than to figure out what type you are and put it on a label.

If you do that too quickly, you’re short changing yourself. It’s better to be asking the question continually than to feel like we have found the answer and move on.

We all have aspects of all the types within us but we each have a core driver.

I encourage you to investigate:

• What type might you be?

• What subtype?

• Where might you recognize the various types within yourself? 

• How do you see them presenting? 

Get curious about the fundamental thing that drives you. Let yourself inquire and see what you discover before getting too hung up on finding your particular type.

Coming up, we’ll explore the various components that make typing tricky and why it’s important to work with someone who knows the system well.

See you soon!

Enneagram Part 1: Why You Should Discover Your Type

The Enneagram is a personality-typing system based on ancient wisdom that depicts 9 different human archetypes. With truly incredible accuracy, it points to how we see the world and why we do what we do.

I’m a huge fan of this system and am pleasantly shocked at how illuminating it can be. I’ve seen profound results in myself and my clients thanks to using the Enneagram system.

You probably have a pretty good idea already of your strengths and weaknesses—the places where you need to grow. You could most likely state these with relative ease, and that’s great! 

There’s nothing we can do about something we can’t see.

The power of the Enneagram, on the other hand, comes in relation to our blind spots (what we don’t know that we don’t know).

What are the areas in which you want to be more effective? Where are you not producing the results you know you can? Do you have a feeling that something is holding you back but you just can’t put your finger on it?

It’s human nature to continue repeating the same patterns until we learn the lesson and level up. It’s the same song and dance, with different people, a different job, or a different scenario. There’s something about what we’re doing or not doing that we can’t see. If you could see it, you could do something about it. 

The Enneagram is incredibly helpful and illuminating here. As soon as we can see it, we gain new power, new freedom and new choices.

Learning about your Enneagram personality type and subtype, can bring to light what was previously in the shadows.

Coming soon, I’ll be diving into: 

• Enneagram typing and how to go about it

• Why not to trust any old Internet test

• How to find accurate results for your type to access a clear and direct path for your personal growth

Stay tuned!

Are You Focused On What Matters Most?

Last week the participants in Spark! (my 5 month group coaching program) engaged in an inquiry around their own mortality and what truly matters to them.

I’ll share the exercise with you here so you can do it yourself. The intention of this exercise is to drill down to what matters most and to begin examining your life to see if it actually matches up with what you care about. If not, where can adjustments be made to true up?

Keeping that intention in mind, here’s the exercise:

1. Find a comfy place to sit and journal for about 30 minutes.

2. Complete the following prompts. Allow whatever shows up to show up without judging it.

   • If I only had a year to live …

   • If I only had a month to live …

   • If I only had a week to live …

3. Reflect back on what you wrote and consider the following:

   • What, if anything, changed as the timeline changed?

   • Is there anything surprising about what you wrote?

   • What is your overall takeaway from this exercise?

4. Record a Vlog (video blog) to share what you discovered and send it to me (feel free to send me yours!)

5. Identify ONE action you can take in the next week that is inspired by what you discovered in the exercise.

First of all, let me just tell you that every single one of these vlogs had me in tears. There is something so tender and sweet about getting to the very heart of what matters. The sincerity and presence in their speaking was palpable and I was so inspired.

When these powerful women confronted the brevity of their lives and centered on what mattered a few major themes were expressed …

Create memorable experiences with the people I love the most.

Thank the people that have had a positive influence on my life.

Care less about what other people think and express myself more freely.

Tend to my business, complete what needs to be completed and have my affairs in order.

Relish in the senses of this life - savor delicious food, feel my lovers skin on my skin, snuggle my dog.

Leave something meaningful behind (for my children, family, the community)

Fairly simple, isn’t it?

I know from my own experience how easy it can be to get caught up in the day-to-day happenings of life and running a business that I lose sight of what matters most.

I’ve taken the people around me for granted at times.

I’ve convinced myself that I can have that conversation some other day.

I’ve gone through the motions on autopilot and forgotten how freaking precious and fleeting my life actually is.

This is the case for many of us until something happens to shake us awake. Someone you love gets really sick or dies, you lose something you care deeply about, your own body fails you in some major way. And in those moments, all the bullsh*t you normally fret about naturally fades away and you’re left with the only things that really matter.

In the past few days I can’t help but wonder how our lives could be enriched by simply keeping what matters most in the forefront rather than letting it recede into the background.

We don’t have to wait for a moment of crisis to refocus our attention. We can make a conscious effort to live in a way that honors the brevity and preciousness of this life we are living now.

What really matters to you?

Are you giving it the attention it deserves?

If not, what can you do TODAY to change that?

May you have the courage to live in alignment with what matters most to you.

Why You Can't See What's Right In Front of You

What do you see when you look at this photo? I see two people walking their dogs down a trail in pretty morning or afternoon light.

Guess what my friend Courtney, who is a Certified Professional Dog Trainer, sees when she looks at this photo?

I see a variety of stress signals from all the dogs. The two dogs on the left are both showing whale eyes towards the dogs on the right which would indicate they may be uncomfortable walking so closely to them. All of the dogs mouths are closed tightly and the leashes are looped around the hands of the humans and bunched up being held very tightly and putting a lot of pressure on the dogs necks with the collars.

In such a beautiful outdoor setting, I would make the suggestion to these humans that a walk in nature can be just as enjoyable for the dogs as it is for you with the use of harnesses and longer 15-20ft leashes so they can enjoy sniffing and exploring the environment in the ways that are most satisfying to them.

Wow, I didn't notice all of that. Did you? I'm assuming if you're not educated in animal behavior that you didn't see all of this either.

What about this photo ... what do you see?

I see a wickedly cool flower!

When I looked it up online, I learned that it's a Passion flower and it is a perennial vine with over 550 species and it belongs to the Passifloraceae family. The purple, blue and white flower consists of ten sepals and petals and is around 10 cm wide. Other than being exceptionally pretty, this exotic flower has high medicinal value.

When I go back to Guatemala this summer and have the pleasure of seeing this flower again, I won't just see a cool flower. I'll see a Passion flower and I'll know that it has medicinal value.

Why do we see what we see AND miss other things?

Well, there are a number of factors that play into this but to say it simply ...

You don't have the words for it.

And, it is words and our understanding of them that shapes our experiences. 

Language is access to a new world.

For example, think about when you learn a new hobby or skill ...

When I first started learning photography almost 20 years ago, I had heard of words like aperture, shutter speed and ISO but I had no idea what they actually meant. Learning how to take photos meant learning the language of photography, which opened up a whole new world of understanding and possibility for me. Now when I look at a photo I know how they used aperture, shutter speed and ISO to capture that image.

You are most likely fluent in the language of the field you work in or the areas where you are highly skilled. You know words and terms that make other people say, huh?

Language can open up new possibilities for you.

There is a language in the world of personal growth and transformation and learning that language has the power to radically change your life.

The Enneagram is a tool that provides a language for recognizing your ego and the patterns that are unconsciously on repeat in your life. When you learn the language of the Enneagram, you’ll be able to bring what was once unconscious into consciousness and be able to see what you previously couldn't see. That newfound awareness provides you with new choices.

Choice is power.

You can't do anything with what you can't see or what you don't know.

There’s an unconscious part of you that’s running your life, but you can’t access it or understand it if you don’t have the words for it. In fact, you can’t see it operating until you have the language to call it out. It could be right in front of you and you won't even see it.

Learn the language of the Enneagram and create change.

If you're hungry to create lasting change in your life this is one of the most direct pathways I've found (and I've been around this block awhile).

The Enneagram can support you in getting to the heart of the matter and uncovering some valuable information like ...

• What drives you to take action (or not)?
• Why do you get triggered by the things you do (and how to interrupt that)?
• What has you repeating the same patterns over and over especially when they cause you pain (and how to break free)?

And so much more!

Have questions about how it works? Just hit reply to this email and I'm happy to answer. Ready to jump in and go beyond what's been holding you back? Book your Wildhearted Enneagram session today and let's get this party started!

Do You Have A Choice? (the answer might surprise you)

There’s not much that can fire me up like someone righteously stating how another person should simply pick themselves up by their bootstraps and make new choices to change their life.

As if making a change is that simple.

It’s not.

I can feel my body heat up and my jaws tighten.

I want to scream …

People don’t CHOOSE to suffer! 

People aren’t living in dysfunctional situations or repeating unhealthy patterns because they want to. 

People suffer because they don’t realize that they even have a choice. And until you know that there is a choice to be made, there isn’t one. Period. 

We like to think of ourselves as self-aware. We believe we are free to act, think and behave in any way that we want. But it’s just not true. SO much of our behavior is completely unconscious to us. We are on autopilot and we don’t even know it. We all have areas in our life where there is NO CHOICE, whether we admit it or not.

In the book Immunity to Change, Kegan and Lahey write...

“A recent study showed that when doctors tell heart patients they will die if they don't change their habits, only one in seven will be able to follow through successfully. Desire and motivation aren't enough: even when it's literally a matter of life or death, the ability to change remains maddeningly elusive.”

A doctor tells you that your life is at risk and you still cannot make a change to your behavior. You think that is someone with the freedom to choose? Nope! That is someone being run by unconscious patterns and beliefs that could very well cost them their life.

Choice requires consciousness

Imagine that this iceberg represents our conscious and unconscious behavior. The top of the iceberg is what we have within our conscious awareness. The things we know we do, think and feel. The bottom of the iceberg represents what is in the subconscious or unconscious territory of our experience. These are the fears, beliefs, motives that are fueling our thoughts, actions and feelings and we have no idea it’s happening.

If we truly want to have a choice about how we live and love and move through the world, we must find a way to bring what is currently under the water (unconscious) to the surface and into our conscious awareness. Only then can we choose.

Do you want freedom to choose?

Here are a few places to start ...

✨Acknowledge that there are things you don’t know and you don’t know that you don’t know them. Recognize that you have unconscious beliefs and ideas that are currently running your life and potentially keeping you from achieving the results you want. You have blind spots, own it. (hint: you'll know you're doing this work when you begin to feel more compassion for humanity).

✨Be willing to explore and discover what is in the unknown territory of your unconscious mind. Then, do the work. You will not experience freedom to choose until you shine light on your blind spots. We refer to this as shadow work and it’s the kind of inner work that takes enormous amounts of trust and courage but yields priceless results. 

✨Develop the ability to self-observe. This is key (and foundational) to any and all personal growth work. You cannot change what you cannot see. Learning to self-observe is a muscle that is built over time with practice and repetition. 

A simple practice to support you:
Do this Check-In several times a day for one week. You might find it helpful to set an alarm on your phone to remind you.

1. Pause and take one mindful breath.

2. Notice and observe (without judgement):

• Thoughts going through your mind right now

• Physical sensations in your body

• Feelings or emotions that you’re experiencing

Bonus opportunity: Make a few notes in your phone or journal each time you check-in. At the end of the week, reflect back on all your experiences and see if you notice any patterns or gain any insights.

As your ability to self-observe grows stronger you’ll be able to explore deeper aspects of your personality and what drives you. You’ll chip away at the iceberg and begin to experience greater degrees of power and freedom in your life.

And who doesn’t want that? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Here’s to freedom!

P.S. When you're ready, there are a few ways I can support you ...

1. Work privately with me to uncover your blind spots.
If you're tired of being stuck in the same repetitive patterns and are ready to create sustainable change, click here to schedule a call with me. There are a handful of ways I can support you and together we'll explore the best fit for you.

2. Join my online group program.
Wholehearted is 7-weeks of support and an ideal place to strengthen your self-observation muscles. Be supported by the community as you learn ways to turn down the noise in your head and listen to the wisdom of your heart.

5 Signs You're On the Crazy Train (and how to step off)

Hello Wild One,

Let me start by saying that we all ride the crazy train from time to time so if you find yourself on it, don't freak out. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you've messed up somehow or that none of the personal growth work you've been doing is actually working.

It just means you're human.

Now let's get clear on exactly what I mean by crazy train. I'm talking about the noise in your head -- that stream of incessant chattering that is always talking to you -- the train of thoughts that runs whether you want it to or not.

And when you're on that train, those noisy thoughts are taking you for a ride!

Here are 5 Signs You're All Aboard the Crazy Train:

1. You're insecure. You feel small and powerless, you're questioning yourself and your abilities, you don't feel like showing up and participating, your sense of confidence is gone. This often looks like procrastination. Possible thoughts: I can't, I don't know how, I'm not good enough.

2. You're losing your shit. Your fuse is short and you're ready to blow. You know you shouldn't be so easily upset but you are. It feels challenging to deal with people. People are dumb. Possible thoughts: I can't help it, it's not my fault, you're wrong.

3. You're so tired. You don't want to get out of bed, you need substantial amounts of caffeine to keep going and you're counting down the hours until bedtime. (Note: this could also be a sign of physical/mental illness and if it's prolonged you should seek professional help). Possible thoughts: It's so hard, I can't do it, I don't want to, I need help.

4. Everything is wrong! Your partner is a jerk, your kids are brats and your job sucks. It feels like you can't catch a break or get ahead. Your life seems to be one big problem. Possible thoughts: It's not fair, if only they would ____, nothing works out for me, it shouldn't be this way

5. Your body hurts. Your shoulders are tight, your lower back aches, your knees are sore, your digestion is off. Your body is speaking to you and it's saying that something is out of balance. Possible thoughts: There's not enough time, I have to do everything myself, I'm not safe.

At the moment you WAKE UP to the fact that your thoughts are taking you for a ride, you're halfway to freedom. Awareness is a vital and a potent first step.

But awareness without aligned action will only get you so far.

You have to make a move!

5 Ways to Step Off the Train and Reclaim Your Power:

1. Slow Down (Literally). Physically slowing down your pace can help you slow down your thoughts which will allow you to begin working with them. Try walking at 75% of the speed you normally would. Inject tiny pauses throughout your day like when you first wake up, before you put your car in drive or each time you wash your hands. Just stop for a moment and take a mindful breath before moving on.

2. Question Your Thoughts. Your thoughts and emotions are the fuel that drives the train. It feels crazy because the thoughts you're paying attention to are mostly noise. They say things like, you don't know what you're doing, you need to try harder, there's no time, I can't do it, no one appreciates me, and all kinds of other nonsense that's just not true. Bring awareness to the specific thoughts that you're having and begin to question them. Often it can be enough to ask, is this true? For further support on questioning your thoughts, watch my series on Beliefs or reference The Work by Byron Katie.

3. Share your Experience. It can be incredibly powerful to get your experience out of your own head and into a conversation with someone. When our stories are heard and validated they soften and lose some charge. Just be mindful that you reach out to someone that will support you to get off the train and not someone who will jump right on it with you!

4. Move your body. You're on the crazy train because you're stuck in your head and listening to all that noise. Period. One of the quickest ways to quiet the noise in your head is to move your body. Take a walk in nature, put on some music and dance or shake (seriously, shaking can change your life!), go to the gym or have sex. Find a way to get INTO your body in a real, tangible way. Need some movement inspiration? Access a free dance playlist here.

5. Fill your own bucket. There are lots of conversations about self-care these days and for good reason. It's challenging to share your love and your gifts with the world when you're running on empty. Taking the time to give yourself what you need is not a luxury. It's an absolute necessity if you want to live your most creative, fulfilled and self-expressed life (and I assume you do because you're here). Filling your own bucket can look all kinds of ways (not just bubble baths and massages although those are great too!) Maybe it's signing up for that class you've been wanting to take, going to the movie by yourself or getting lost in a library. Whatever you do, you must find ways to nourish your own soul and fill your energetic bucket.

I hope this supports you to more quickly recognize when you're being taken for a ride and to step off that crazy train with more ease than ever before.

p.s. Check out this 4-minute meditation for Stepping Out of Overwhelm.

In Case No One Has Told You Lately

Hello Wild One,

I'm going to make an assumption here that you are a lot like me. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong! Like me, you have days where you're firing on all cylinders, feeling confident and capable of handling just about anything. You're making moves, being brave and getting sh*t done.

And then, you have days (maybe even the very next day!) where it feels like you're spinning your wheels going nowhere, doubting yourself and your ability to do anything at all. You'd love to just crawl back in bed and pull the covers over your head.

Is it just me or can you relate?

It's those I'd-rather-crawl-back-in-bed days that I really rely on the tools I've acquired over the 13+ years I've been doing this personal growth work. And, as always, it's my mission (and joy) to share those tools with you.

Today, I offer you this playful touchstone* to remind you that your butt is perfect and you're doing an amazing job at life! I encourage you to download + print it out and hang it up somewhere you can see it in the moments you need it most.

*Touchstones are tangible things that represent ideas, affirmations or possibilities. They remind us of who we are and what we're committed to in life.

This touchstone was handwritten by the talented Lisa Long Designs 💖

5 Ways to Remember Who You Really Are

It's normal to forget 🤷🏻‍♀️

We forget WHO WE ARE - our brilliance, our goodness, our enormous capacity and our beauty.

When we forget it's painful. We become anxious, lonely, guarded and afraid.

In these moments of forgetfulness we switch to auto-pilot and we rely on old coping strategies to survive. That's just how forgetting works and it happens to all of us. But, it's not exactly the most satisfying way to live 😝

So REMEMBERING is the name of the game 🎯

One of my personal strategies is to give myself LOTS of reminders in the form of touchstones. Reminders about what I'm committed to, where I want to focus my attention and how I want to feel. I have them EVERYWHERE. And they totally help!

Here are 5 ways you can help yourself to remember:

✨1. Write yourself a love note and put it by your bed. Read it each morning as you start your day.

✨2. Infuse a piece of jewelry with a clear intention and then wear it like it's sacred (because it is).

✨ 3. Place sticky notes with POWER words in places you can regularly see them like the dash of your car, inside your refrigerator or tucked in your wallet. Move them around from time to time so you don't go numb to them.

✨ 4. Play a song that makes you feel happy and alive (bonus if you dance it out!). This song always does it for me. Try it out if you need a place to get started.

✨5. Carry an intentionally chosen crystal in your pocket for the day. Reach in to grab it when you need a jolt of confidence or courage.

BONUS --> You can always ask me when you forget! I will happily remind you of the badass, powerful creator that you are 🤘

Your Blind Spots are Wrecking Your Goals

Hi there, Wildhearted people!

Let’s talk about blind spots and how they’re wrecking your goals.

For a lot of us, when we’re trying to create something new in our lives — meet a goal, attain something, achieve the next level, accomplish more — there are certain things that we know to do in order to become more effective at getting what we want. 

There are all sorts of things we know about that thing we want. Or, about that goal we want to achieve. 

Maybe we want to achieve the next level in our career. We know a lot about reaching that next level and what it takes. There’s information available that we can work with. We can do what we know to do. Right?

We can take a class, get training, consult our boss to learn the next level. We can get feedback from others.

That’s the world of what we do know.

There’s a lot of power in that. But, there’s a whole world of stuff that we don’t know about — that would make a difference in getting to that next level in our career. How can we access that?

Maybe there are skills we don’t have, task we don’t know how to do, or even limitations in our own leadership abilities. But at least we know that we don’t know these things

What we don’t often realize, where we don’t know to look, is in the area of what we don’t know AND we don’t know that we don’t know. Makes sense, right? Because how can we know what we don’t know?!

This is the area of our life — of our being, of our actions — which is completely hidden from our view.

It’s our blind spot.

No doubt you’ve experienced a blind spot while driving. You’re cruising down the road and then you start to move into the next lane only to be greeted by the sounds of a honking horn! Yikes! You quickly swerve back to your own lane, nerves a bit rattled, body a bit shaken. There was someone in your blindspot --  a car you couldn’t see. The outcome could have been serious, right?

It’s just like that in our lives when there are things we want to achieve. There are aspects of how we’re “being” and how we’re “operating” that are in our blind spot.

It could be a limiting belief about ourselves, others, or about the situation we’re in. It might be an assumption that we’re making or a story we’re telling ourselves. It could be a deeply rooted idea or stereotype that becomes the lens through which we are viewing everyone and everything.

Good news ... blind spots can be revealed!

You can gain access to your blind spots. If you want to see what you don’t know (and you don’t know you don’t know), that’s where coaching comes into play. It’s a powerful way to unearth and reveal all those things that, up to now, you couldn’t see.

It’s really hard to do something about what you don't know you don't know. And, ideas and beliefs that are left in our blind spot, are potential dangers. 

By design, our blind spots work really hard to stay hidden from view. Our identity and ego are structured to keep those things hidden from us. If we can't see them, we can't do anything about them. If we can't see them, they're running us or they're working on us without us even knowing it.

This is where coaching shines.

Coaching takes you beyond what you know. And it's beyond what you know you don't know, where you can find the great opportunities that take you to the next level in your life, relationships, career, or your business.

Gaining access to your blind spots is liberating and empowering.

And, it takes support — we’re not going to see those things on our own.

Coaching is one effective way to do it — putting yourself in some sort of transformational program or environment designed to help you see what you can’t see on your own. 

If there's something that you're moving towards, and you feel like you just keep bumping up against a wall, consider that there's something you don't know ... something you can’t see.

You don't even realize that you don't know it.

And, if you could see it, the “seeing” would change EVERYTHING. All of a sudden, there would be new actions to take, new moves to make.

A new sense of power and perspective can be available in a flash of a moment.

There is a way you can make that blind spot visible through the transformative experience of coaching.

If you keep bumping up against an area where you're stuck -- whether it’s in achieving what you want or breaking through to the next level, I encourage you to consider you might be up against something you don’t know -- and you don’t know what it is you don’t know!

Let’s chat. Let’s have a conversation about what’s happening. That's my jam. I’d love to connect with you and support you.

Let’s uncover what you don’t know you don’t know — together!

Wholehearted Registration Now Open

You are a Powerful Creator and 2019 is calling you NOW.

The hustle of the holidays are calming down. Perhaps you are traveling home, or plugging back into the flow of life this week. Often we begin to get a flood of emotions as the close of a year approaches and the creation of one is calling. 

I invite you to acknowledge 2018 and manifest 2019 in a playfully collaborative way. I have created a 10 minute video and a journal exercise to help guide you in accessing your hearts desires for a powerful 2019. I am here for you. I want to hear what you create in this exercise and allow yourself to reach out. Embrace the support and send what you design with this practice to me directly at ashlie@ashliewoods.com. 

Grab your Journal and follow these steps to bring into 2019 who you most want to be, Wild One. 

Download: Reflect on 2018 to Manifest 2019

Your Heart is Able to be Trusted

Breakaway from old patterns and step into the life that is calling you forward.

Beliefs Part 2: What are you giving up?

Let's talk about BELIEF - Part 2!

How was your week? Were you able to see the thoughts you keep thinking that keep this belief in place?
 
I’ll share my own experience of a limiting belief and how I transformed it. One area in which I wasn’t getting the results I wanted was work.
 
I said I wanted ease, yet I was perpetually stressed and anxious. 
 
I knew it was possible, somehow, to work with ease, as I could see other people doing so. But it just wasn’t happening for me. I began to look into what underlying beliefs might be keeping me from the ease I so desired.
 
When I did some digging around my beliefs regarding what it means to be successful, to have a business and to work hard, I discovered this strong, deep-rooted belief within myself: you can have whatever you want as long as you’re willing to work hard for it.
 
In other words, anything worth having requires hard work. While I definitely value the virtues of perseverance, discipline and effort as an entrepreneur, at the same time
 
I could see that this belief I was holding wasn’t always true. 
 
I began to see that I was making everything harder than it needed to be, as if I didn’t feel I deserved something unless I worked really hard to earn it. I also dismissed things that came too easily. I couldn’t appreciate, accept or enjoy the things that came naturally to me, because they didn’t require hard work. This was costing me energy -- and the ease I said I wanted.
 
What’s the belief that you uncovered?
What is the impact of believing it?
What do you get to be right about?
What story do you get to keep in place?
In what way is this belief costing you?
What are you giving up?
 
Here’s a handy PDF you can use to brainstorm your ideas around these beliefs.
 
If you feel the impulse to share, by all means, reply to this email. I’d love to hear from you! Next week, we’ll answer the question, “What do I do to get rid of this belief I don’t want anymore?” See you then!
 
 

3 Tips to Unplug

Unplugging can be a powerful practice.

Here are 3 tips to Unplug 

1) Schedule it and be mindful of the commitment. Communicate any obligations even if only for an hour to minimize disruption or distraction. 

2) Take care of your body. Eat well, get rest and select clothing or essential oils that feels supportive. Ask your body what it most needs to be comfortable. 

3) Eliminate expectations. Instead of going into the time of solitude with what you most want to get out of it, go into it with an intention on how you most want to feel while in your special alone time.

Wildhearted Retreat Guatemala 2018

Photo: Tiffany Bednar